Life

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

Coming to terms with reality

It’s way too often that I come across people who either refuse to seek the root cause of a problem or who simply refuse to acknowledge the root cause of a problem. Whether it’s a matter of convenience or otherwise, problems are left to compound, with secondary causes made out to be primary causes.

This is nothing more than a conscientious effort to mask reality… truth that’s a little too hard to swallow. As a result, nothing gets addressed, nothing gets rectified. The problems goes on and on and on… with other excuses taking their place.

And the most blatantly dimwit thing to do is to start believing in one’s own concoction of explanations that do away with the burden of proof, that is, reality itself and preferring to listen to the more melodious and soothing tune of lies.

Not only is this an inability to face life’s challenges, it is a sure sign of immaturity.

It is a case where one fails to call a spade a spade and well, just takes the next convenient option, a catch phrases, a light-bulb moment word and use that to explain away the shortcomings.

Nonetheless, if we really look deep inside ourselves and be honest enough, we know where the root cause of the problem lies. But it is really up to us to define it, isolate it and come to grips on dealing with it.

Many times we won’t like to do so because it means that we’ll be forced to be honest about ourselves. We’re not all that great to begin with. We’re not all angels or saints. Yes, in many, many, many ways we’re ugly as hell. Truly, the depths of mankind’s soul can be so utterly hideous, it’s simply unspeakable.

But if we still refuse to face our ugliness, we’ll only remain just as ugly if not uglier with layers of masks to conceal it. However, if we can be honest with ourselves to call a spade a spade and not give into convenient digressions, then at least the healing process can begin.

And that time will come to be remembered as the time when we’re truly honest with ourselves, warts and all. That will be the time when we would have achieved authenticity.

Baking me bluddy buns

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Death and tears

I remember this one time when the elder of a church I was attending passed on and the memorial service brought out thousands of church members and visitors. His son, another pastor, had flown back from the US to give eulogy and tribute to his father.

Now I was not particularly close to the deceased elder or any of his family for that matter. Perhaps just mere acquaintances as it was one of the largest churches in the country with close to 10,000 attendees each Sunday. Neither was it a church that I had a close affinity or bond to as I can be quite a cynic when it comes to large churches, preferring for smaller settings.

However, what amazed me on the morning of the memorial service was that I had broken down with near uncontrollable sobs, and promptly hurried off to leave.

Some had wondered whether my distress was because it reminded me of my mother’s own death, some 15 years prior. Well, the answer is both yes and no.

While it did remind me of m mother’s passing, it was not so much the sadness that comes from knowing that I’ll never be able to see the person who meant the most to me at that time again. Rather, it was about the elder’s son who had to be “strong” to deliver his eulogy to everyone.

I know, I’ve been there before where for the sake of your Christian faith and the acknowledgement that there is life after in heaven that the weight of having to foster and reinforce that reality to everyone attending really hurts… yet, you could not allow yourself to breakdown, since we had a “duty” to uphold the very faith we believe in at all costs, yes even at our own mother’s funeral.

“Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.” - 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

And so although the service was a tribute to the passing away of a man who gave much of his natural life to found and nurture a small band of Christians to becoming one of the largest churches in the country, it was more of the resilience of his son and the duty he had to continue the good work of his father that brought me to tears. Yes, it is true when it is said that it isn’t the dead that we need to worry for, rather, the living.

So ye, I remember having to contain my grief and tears (to the amazement of quite a number of relatives present) at my mother’s funeral, not because I loved her any less, but because I had to serve as a living reminder of the reality of the Christian faith and the life hereafter. I’m sure my mom would have been proud of me… and that’s what counts.

Surviving our objectives

Let’s take a look at objectives and circumstances.

At a gaming table, it’s been seven flips of the coin with each result producing “heads”. The eighth flip again produces another “head” as did the subsequent ninth. So, what’s your bet for the tenth toss? Or perhaps we can even go to the 19th flip, each producing “head”. What will the 20th flip be?

Many would tell you that statistically, it’ll be time for “tails” since it’s already due.

But is it, really?

No matter how many times you flip the coin, the chances of it being “head” or “tail” stands at 50% for every flip. In addition, the “history” of its result says little and have absolutely no bearing on subsequent tosses. See, unlike card games, the mathematical averages do not tilt in any way since there are no cards to “count off” on (Yes, hence the term card counting…).

The 100th flip of the coin can still yield “head” over “tail”.

So, what on earth am I driving at with all these?

It has to do very much with objectives and realizing them. See, many of us are given into our emotions, more vividly so especially at the gambling table where a winning streak or a losing streak produces instant theories and “mathematical” formulations as to how we would play the next hand to win. However, the intensity of the moment, the thrill and spill of the moment often than not produces very twisted and truly un-mathematical ideas, that when analyzed objectively shows huge flaws.

No, this is not a primer for gambling. Again, what I would like to draw our attention to, is that of setting our objectives and going about realizing them and not be detracted from seemingly increased or decreased odds that come our way. We have to be able to decipher odds that have a basis for “history” and those that don’t, just like coin flipping and card counting.

If our goal is to own a business, to buy a property, or even to run for public office, just remember that at each ground you start off on, it’s always level – yielding a 50% chance at each step of the way. We ought not to let things that look and feel like losing streaks be interpreted as such. The whole point is to keep our eyes focused on the objective and not the circumstances.

“But I’m a perpetual failure,” you may say? Well, have a chronological look at the life of a typical failure:

1831 - Lost his job Failed
1832 - Defeated in run for Illinois State Legislature Failed
1833 - Failed in business Failed
1834 - Elected to Illinois State Legislature Success
1835 - Sweetheart died Failed
1836 - Had nervous breakdown Failed
1838 - Defeated in run for Illinois House Speaker Failed
1843 - Defeated in run for nomination for U.S. Congress Failed
1846 - Elected to Congress Success
1848 - Lost re-nomination Failed
1849 - Rejected for land officer position Failed
1854 - Defeated in run for U.S. Senate Failed
1856 - Defeated in run for nomination for Vice President Failed
1858 - Again defeated in run for U.S. Senate Failed
1860 - Elected President Success

Yes, that’s none other than Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, and one of the most prolific ones to ever hold the Office. So, you’ve got to decide whether to go after your objectives on a 50% level playing field or start believing in weird math.

Defining ourselves

Okay, here’s one for the younger set of folks, those in their teens and early adulthood. For others who area already in their mid-life, perhaps it’ll be more of a reminiscence of youth. Either way, I’m surprised how life continues pretty much unchanged even as we head towards the end of the first decade n the 21st century and technological advances is breaching new grounds each day.

This has to do very much with self-worth, and of course the influence of TV, movies, pop cultures and such – all that determines one’s social life.

What I’m talking about is the “need” that one has to carve out an image for himself/herself, many of whom would go to great lengths to do so. This image that one takes on is meant to define how that person “is”. And that image is often than not, taken from characters played by actors throughout silverscreens and TV.

The “bad boy” image, the “troubled suicidal youth” image, the “dumb blond” image or the “rebel rouser”… yes, we all recognize these images whom we try to define ourselves in. And the fear of not having such character images for ourselves can be quite scary, one that might leave us as society outcasts. Or scarier still, as conformists. For many, it is a way to encapsulate ourselves into a shell and harden our defenses to face the challenges of life such as broken families, hopeless futures and meaningless lives.

But underneath all that, whether it is a need to conform or challenge society’s norms, lies an even greater need of the individual that cannot be addressed by merely taking on such screen characters for oneself. That is, to be able to define ourselves by our own character and our own rules… what many would describe as “coming into one’s own”.

Granted, it isn’t likely that one can do and realize that without having to go through a fair bit of life’s hills and valleys. But it truly is sad to have to see our youths all too ready to take their own lives with suicidal pacts and reckless living. George Bernard Shaw’s words best describe it – “Youth is wasted on the young”.

Now, if only our youths can “come into their own” at a younger age. If only they can try instead to define themselves by their own rules and standards and not have the need to “prove” to others. If only… ah, then we’ll have more middle age folks around, wouldn’t we? (Err.., that’s both in chronological and mental age, I mean!)

Nobility

The truth is that there is nothing noble in being superior to somebody else. The only real nobility is in being superior to your former self.

Whitney Young (1921 - 1971)

Dreams and honour

The way Hollywood’s scriptwriters come up with lines are sometimes just absolutely brilliant and cuts to the core of the heart with a mere sentence or two compared to a compendium of volumes.

The for example, the movie Spiderman 2.

Peter Parker (aka Spiderman), when at battle’s end with his arch-nemesis Dr. Octopus (Dr. Otto Octavius), pleaded with him with the words, “sometimes, we have to give up our dreams and do the right thing”.

Wow, that was just a masterpiece. Now, if only a mere fraction of our politicians, our captains-of-industries and ourselves would just pay heed to it… imagine what a truly nobler and more wonderful world we would bestow our children and their children’s children. If only we would stop ourselves from becoming ugly just to achieve our dreams of fame, fortune and power and look towards the things that really do matter in life (and thereafter, too!) like honour, dignity, charity and integrity… oh, there aren’t any words to describe what a heaven it would be.

Going back to the movie, the punch-line came when Dr. Octavius has a change of heart, remembering how he had once preached that everyone ought to have used technology for the betterment of mankind and not seek to dominate others sacrificed himself to disarm the fusion machine that he had created which by now, had spun out of control.

In sinking it and killing himself in the process, he cries out “I will not die a monster!”

Now if only everyone of us had that sense of nobleness to not be remembered in life as monsters. Yes, it is and will always still be possible to do that, even at the very last second of our natural lives. We can choose and determine our last course of action with our last breath to do the right thing… or not. We’ll need to be a bigger person than we already are to take on a feat that is truly at the heart of what it means to “be human” as opposed to being a beast.